I need a manual for a standard

So my sister's fiancée and I headed out on Wednesday night to practice a little "Stick shift." Generally speaking I'm a pretty quick study at most things. Apparently driving a stick is not one of those things.

I did okay in the beginning in the Rim Park parking lot. I managed to get the whole 1st -> 2nd -> 3rd thing down pretty easily. With a little confidence I decided to whip around the road that surrounds the building. That was my first mistake.

Naturally, since there was absolutely no one driving around when I first started out someone would pull in behind me when I stopped at a stop sign. No biggy except the stop sign was on a slight hill. Those who drive standards already know what's coming.

Yup I stalled out the car and it started rolling backwards towards the guy behind me. In my defense I'd say personally if the person ahead of me seemed to be stalling his car and rolling towards me I'd get out of the way. Then again I'm not a fucking retard.

Anyway I just put the brakes on and subtly gestured for the guy to go around me. On try 4 I managed to get the car moving again. I got all the way out to the main road and did a U-turn. Once in 1st gear the car started bucking like a bronco but I managed to keep it from stalling yet again. The whole process bumped up my blood pressure a good few PSI I'm sure but I made it none the less. I'd like to try one more time before getting out there and test driving some Tiburons.

If you think my lack of coordination is enough to hold me back you don't know me very well. Spoon!

Congratulations on your Mid-Life Crisis but could you get the fuck out of my way?

I saw one today like I see them every day of the year. They come out a lot more frequently in the summer, drawn by the lure of warm breezes blowing through their graying hair, toupees and comb-overs. Elvis Presley pounding from the stereo, leather driving gloves wrapped at 10 and 2. One foot on the brake and one toe on the gas.

I understand as you get older your priorities shift and your pace of life slows down. You no longer have the frenzied “gotta get there” urgency of Youth. All the same if you could get your 350 Horsepower engine to get you up to the speed limit that’d be just f***ing special. I get that you’ve finally hit that stage of life when you can afford that race car you dreamed of as a teen. So you go out and you buy your Corvette, or Benz or your Porsche and drive around for everyone to see the cool new thing you bought.

Thing is, you’re no longer that spunky out-of-control teenager you're wiser, more responsible and constipated with regards to velocity.

All these things are fine. I mean sure it pains me to no end to blow by someone driving a Viper at 40 K/h in a 60 zone in my 83 HP Hyundai Accent but those are the breaks. However, if you get in the passing lane on the 401 doing 110 K/h you’re pissing me off. I got places to be, things to do and because you can afford the time to have yourself a leisurely drive during rush hour on a Monday doesn’t mean I can. If you want to drive like a myopic old woman go do it on your own damn time.

If it seems like I’m trying to cover up the fact that I’m jealous of these baby-boomers I'm not. I’ll admit that I’d love to have that much power in my control. Fortunately we’ve about 75% of our money put away for our next vehicle, which at 171HP is not going to smoke any Porsche Carerras, but it’ll definitely help me blow past all those baby boomers day-dreaming of glory days gone by. But I'll be doing it in the right lane with one hand at 12 o’clock and the other one flipping the bird.

I'll stop being so angry if you stop being so annoying

War of the Words

If the pen is mightier than the sword then my co-worker should be shitting ink like a fountain pen.

You ever meet someone who tries to, “Speak above their level.” If you’re thinking me, screw you, go read Rosie O’Donnell’s Blog! I try to drop the occasional “big word” here or there but I generally do so because it fits within the context of what I’m saying. The best is when someone you don’t like tries to drop a “big word” against you and you point out that their use of the word is completely wrong.

The first time this happened at work wasn’t really against an enemy, he’s actually a friend. Still, he was trying to interrupt my presentation so I did take some joy in it. It went a little like this:

Me: This security model gives the administrator more control but can cause end users to be locked out of areas they need. Conversely, in the second model…
Coworker: Conversely?
Me: Yes conversely.
Coworker: You mean, “Pertaining to a conversation?” That doesn’t make any sense.
Me: No I think you're thinking conversationally.
Coworker: I don’t think that’s a word.
Me: Opens up Dictionary.com to the definition of Conversely on the projector.
Coworker: Wow, do I feel stupid
Me: Oh ya!

Today I had a similar battle but with added levels of humiliation and as an added bonus it was against my least favourite co-worker:

Me: Nice Jeans, is it Casual Friday already?
Him: What are you the fashion police? Besides they’re designer jeans.
Me: Oh ya who’s the designer?
Him: Guess™
Me: Calvin Klein!
Him: Huh?
Me: *sigh* It was a play on words! Y’know, “Guess, Calvin Klein!” Work with me here
Him: Oh. Like hyperbole.
Me: Huh? No, then I’d be saying “Those are the most casual jeans that ever existed.”
Him: Crap! I mean Onomatopoeia!
Me: No, then I’d be saying “Bang!” or “Boom!”
Him: Damnit!
Me: Nice try. I think it was just a plain old pun.
Him: Right. Walks away

Game, Set, Match.

A simile is a comparison using like or as, a smiley is one of these :)

Apple flavoured Asian Nipple? I think not!

We all know I hate Mac. Wait you didn't know I hate Mac? Sorry. *Ahem* My name is Grindy McTinerton and I hate Apple. Phew! I'll get into why in another post, but suffice to say their commercials pretty much annoy the crap out of me. Then LosRicos got me all fired up for their latest ad with the promise of Asian nipple hard-ons!

Apples I don't like. Asian women... well that's another post (that I'll never do.) Anyway over on LosRicos' blog he posted an Apple Ad which featured a token cute Japanese chick. LosRicos seems to think the femme in question is not wearing a bra and is as I would put it, "Popping a nipple". See Exibit A.

Now I do enjoy a good nipple hard on but I found the placement of this one all wrong. Like I realize that there are a lot of Fashion Models out there that have the imfamous "Upturned" boob which actually places the nipple rather high but this would be some kind of record. I submit for your approval Exhibit B.

I think this is actually an optical illusion caused by a strange folding of the plaintiff's dress. I would submit that like most Asian women she is indeed wearing "The Armor" a.k.a. the dreaded padded bra.

I like to draw arrows to things in Paintbrush

Tu est une asshole

This isn't the most timely post as this event happened two weeks ago. However, my overwhelming laziness has postponed many of post and will continue to. Regardless, I HAD to post about this. Ideally I'm hoping that if you search La Marquette in google.ca you'll find a link to this blog. Odds are that it's not going to happen... but a boy has to dream.

Winterlicious is a Toronto tourism promotion where oft ridiculously overpriced restaurants offer their dinners up at prices mere mortals can afford. This creates an interesting mix of the common man in the rich man's world. In the past when my Wife and I have gone to Winter/Summerlicious it's an enjoyable time. I'm more of a $5 bowl of Pho man myself but I like to mix it up whenever possible.

This year the Wife's friends decided upon "La Maquette" in Downtown Toronto. Our hostess was friendly, there was a classical guitarist plucking away and the candlelit backdrop smacked of hoity toity class. Our douche bag prick waiter flew to our table and away in a blur that would make the Flash blush as he quickly marked us as poor trash winterlicious customers.

When the rest of our group showed up the Waiter really hit his stride when a simple request (pre-emptive I might add) for separate cheques made him pitch-a-fit indicate that there are "150 other orders that need to be rang through, I do not 'ave de time" in the weakest-assed most authentic of French accenteuse. Then with even more flair he ripped-into told one of our friends, "Do you realize every ti-muh you odor a drink-uh I 'av-uh to walk all de way down de stairsuh to getta de vine!" which surprised us because to that point we told him we weren't ordering drinks yet. After that he rolled his eyes made that disgusting eh-uh noise in the back of his throat like a little bitch consummate professional and sauntered off.

When he took supper orders it was as if he had a gun pointed at your head like a Nazi soldier asking if you are an informant for the British. You realistically had about 5 seconds to choose your appetizer, entree and dessert before he all but pissed his pants kindly prompted you to complete your order. Also being unable to pronounce my appetizer's name made me seem like white trash an inexperienced participant of the culinary arts.

The meal was "Meh" at best. The wafer of Prime Rib had me daydreaming of Golf's Steakhouse. And the cheesecake was good... but when served with asshat-french-wannabe attitude was nothing really more special than your average Williams/Kelsey's fare. At the end the real desert was to see that the pole-smoking-ass-hat waiter had already included a healthy 15% tip already in the bill. So unfortunately my go-fuck-yourself lucky penny tip could no be used.

Would I go to La Maquette again? That depends if they ever legalize assault on the basis of being to much of an asshole to not be smashed directly in the face with a centerpiece reduce their prices to a level to compensate for their horrible service. La Maquette was a horrible dining experience and it just goes to show you, that you don't always get what you pay for. But sometimes, you do get fodder for a really bitter and snarky blog post.

Is chapeau-de-derrier asshat in French?

Practice makes slightly less horrible

Generally speaking when kids are growing up parents always instill the value of trying hard to get results. Ya gotta give your all to get the most out of your effort. I find that’s not always the truth. Rollerblading for example is something I’ve been doing about 5 years now and I still perform at about a 1.5 year level. Hockey is relatively new to me other than a 2 year stint about 5 years ago. I’m now playing approximately 3 times a week and despite the fact that my game gets incrementally better I’m still missing passes, skating awkwardly and whiffing on shots that should be all but buried.

It sucks to be at a stage of life when most people have already peaked at the activities of choice and you’re still trying to learn. It scares me to realize that however low the level I’m at right now is, it might in fact be the apex.

Oh well as doom and gloom as that all sounds I’m feeling in much better shape than I’ve been in years and I’m having a lot of fun playing hockey, especially since unlike rollerblading a large number of my friends and co-workers play as well. Worse case scenario I always have Sunday nights which are full of guys who are older and in some cases even less skilled than I.

Perhaps you parents should teach you “No matter how much you suck there’s always someone who sucks more”