It’s a retard thing you just wouldn’t understand

Post #7

You can tell a lot by the car a person drives. Odds are if it’s a 40 foot long Buick it’s going to be blue-haired grandma, a lowered civic with a muffler that sounds like a kazoo? Teenaged whiteboy with racial confusion issues, or Asian ricer. These profiles are never 100% correct but they definitely work as a good baseline. From soccer mom’s, to balding men in midlife crises different vehicles naturally draw different personality types. And assholes are natural drawn to the jeep.

I don’t know if it all spawned from the typical testosterone-soaked military attitude but since it’s inception as a commercial vehicle the Jeep has drawn a unique audience. If you look for them closely you’ll start to see them. Like that asshole that parks halfway up a snow bank at the mall during Christmas cause they don’t want to drive around for the extra 5 minutes to find a parking spot. The dood with the 60” mud-runner tires that’s blocking any view of the highway ahead of him, mullet flowing in the breeze and whitesnake blaring. Or like I witnessed today when a Jeep driver pulled out onto the shoulder, drove across the no-man’s land between an on-ramp and the high way only to cut back into the flow of traffic cutting off all the people obeying traffic laws and waiting for the traffic jam to clear.

They’re pretty easy to spot when you see their mission statement. A big annoying bumper sticker that says, “It’s a Jeep thing you wouldn’t understand.” I’d like to get a bumper sticker that said, “Jeep owners, we understand, you’re a bunch of assholes.”

Disclaimer: If you are a Jeep owner and are not a huge asshole please disregard this post and its contents. But odds are you are. Aren't you? Fess up asshole!

Congratulations on your Mid-Life Crisis but could you get the fuck out of my way?

I saw one today like I see them every day of the year. They come out a lot more frequently in the summer, drawn by the lure of warm breezes blowing through their graying hair, toupees and comb-overs. Elvis Presley pounding from the stereo, leather driving gloves wrapped at 10 and 2. One foot on the brake and one toe on the gas.

I understand as you get older your priorities shift and your pace of life slows down. You no longer have the frenzied “gotta get there” urgency of Youth. All the same if you could get your 350 Horsepower engine to get you up to the speed limit that’d be just f***ing special. I get that you’ve finally hit that stage of life when you can afford that race car you dreamed of as a teen. So you go out and you buy your Corvette, or Benz or your Porsche and drive around for everyone to see the cool new thing you bought.

Thing is, you’re no longer that spunky out-of-control teenager you're wiser, more responsible and constipated with regards to velocity.

All these things are fine. I mean sure it pains me to no end to blow by someone driving a Viper at 40 K/h in a 60 zone in my 83 HP Hyundai Accent but those are the breaks. However, if you get in the passing lane on the 401 doing 110 K/h you’re pissing me off. I got places to be, things to do and because you can afford the time to have yourself a leisurely drive during rush hour on a Monday doesn’t mean I can. If you want to drive like a myopic old woman go do it on your own damn time.

If it seems like I’m trying to cover up the fact that I’m jealous of these baby-boomers I'm not. I’ll admit that I’d love to have that much power in my control. Fortunately we’ve about 75% of our money put away for our next vehicle, which at 171HP is not going to smoke any Porsche Carerras, but it’ll definitely help me blow past all those baby boomers day-dreaming of glory days gone by. But I'll be doing it in the right lane with one hand at 12 o’clock and the other one flipping the bird.

I'll stop being so angry if you stop being so annoying