What the fashion-conscious Sens fan is wearing this Fall

Well after downing the Leaf's for the second time in a row the Senators look to be off to a great start this season. If you include the pre-season that's 9 and 0. On the downside it looks like with the complete disintegration of the Sabres as a contender the Senators are going to have all the pressure back on their shoulders again. All the same this looks like it could be a great year for Sens fans everywhere. And hey the Sens have these awesome new threads that we can drop 140 bucks on! Sweet!

Donations are accepted and welcome!

One last good spin around the sun

When I was turning 19 people told me to enjoy it because at 25 your metabolism will start to slow down, and you won’t have the energy you once had. For me that turned out to be complete garbage, when I was 25 I’d gotten down to a fighting weight of 155 Lbs and was in much better shape than I’d ever been. I was rollerblading 4 times a week, and overall I felt young. Now that I’m 29 I can’t help but feel a sense of dread at this last year in my twenties. It’s like watching the first leaf fall from a tree in September knowing exactly what’s to come. I’ve rollerbladed this summer about as many times as I’ve golfed. Summer evenings spent tearing up the rails and ledges of Waterloo have become evenings of working on my degree and renovating our house. I’m a little softer in the mid section, a little mellower in the temper and all around just older.

It’s interesting that they say you’re only as old as you feel. It gives you the belief that by trying to be energetic and healthy you’ll somehow avoid getting older. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. You can throw on the baggy jeans, play the music too loud and go out on the weekends and drink your face off but that little voice in the back of your head when you were 19 is now the booming loudspeaker of adulthood.
I’ve often felt immature for my age but I think deep down I’ve always put on the front of immaturity with the knowledge that very soon I’d have to put away my toys and be a big boy. Where did the time go? I wanted to go rollerblading this weekend but looks like renovation-mania will continue.

…besides I get sore knees and my back just kills me, someone get me my walker

Handy man beotch

Wow what a busy week. The wife and I have been doing some painting and touch ups around the house this week. Part of that has been me taking care of outstanding electrical and mechanical repairs. Let me tell you if your garage door opener stops working some day get a new house. Sure it's probably not feasible to just drop a real estate for sale sign on the lawn but you'd probably prefer it. If you don't do that just buy a new one and get someone else to install it.

I did figure out how to fix it but it took a while and I was up to my elbow in black grease also and the first time I ran the door the encoder wasn't in place and the opener almost snapped the rail. With that under my belt I also replaced all the switches and outlets in the kitchen and replaced a faulty lamp socket. When it was all said and done... work sucks.

But at least I'm not Canada's worse handyman.

Look who got gussied up!

Well I was enjoying a little down time on the holiday Monday whilst the wife and extended family visited St. Jacobs so I figured I'd give my weapon of mass destruction a cleaning. My paintball gun is one of my prize posessions. Purchased at a steal of a hundred bucks I always enjoy anihilating kids with their thousand dollar guns (gifts from Mommy) with it. I hadn't cleaned it since my last outing so I figured I'd strip it down and clean it up. Don't know if I've ever posted a pic of it before so here she is :)



I've also been watching the Sopranos Season 2 all weekend so I loaded my paintball gun up with ball bearings and shot the old bitch next door.

She had it coming

You are feeling very sleepy

Taking the GT-R badge off my Tiburon was probably the most major "Upgrade" it'll ever receive. That's unfortunate but that's the lot in life for a "responsible adult." All the same I find it fun to see what other people are doing to their Tiburons. Some time's it's horrid, other times it's a-very cool. One example is the Chadoffl's Tiburon featured on Next Generation Motorsports. NGM makes tuner parts for the Tiburon that can turn the pretty "chick car" into a monster. Chadoff's car (pictured here) to me is a perfect example of tuning done right. Under the hood there's a 379HP Super-charged version of the stock 2.7Litre V6 engine. On the exterior there isn't a damn difference between it and a stock Tiburon. Therein lies the beauty this thing is the ultimate sleeper car. If you're out for a grocery run the man won't pay any attention to your "stock" commuter car, however when that punk in the Civic tries to pass you on the right you can leave him in a bewildered state of disbelief.

For constrast, here's a Tiburon done wrong

Man overboard!

Since LosRicos has stepped away from his blog I fear he won't have the opportunity to post this most excellent update so I figured I'd do him the honor.

Pretty much every year the wife and I go canoeing on the grand river it's one of those summer outings we always seem to enjoy. Last year we didn't get to go out due to all the getting married madness so we were happy to get back to the river again. The grand river definitely isn't white water rafting with no noticeable current and an average depth of about 2 feet it's a pretty beginner friendly river. All the same other than the wife and I no one else we went with (3 couples) had much experience canoeing.

After helping the other couples launch the canoes the wife and I quickly caught up with the pack. Approximately 100' from the starting point we hit our first shallow part. Usually the best way to deal with those is to paddle hard and drive straight forward (insert sexual innuendo here.) Well TheRich and Sunflower, being first timers, hadn't experienced cresting the shallows and were caught unawares when they hit the gravel. Unfortunately the weight differential between the two didn't provide the most stability and after an initial wobble they pitched over and ended up in the drink.

It was funny because Rich even mentioned before they set out that they were going to capsize. It's actually the first time I've ever seen it. Either way since it was only about 2-3 feet deep there was no immediate danger. After that (other than one more close call) TheRich and Sunflower kept the pace and avoided any more underwater exploration. The day was fun for sure, we'll have to do it again next year.

By the way if you ever want to know what kind of houses the richest people in KW have just canoe down the grand and look to your left... un-freaking-believable

Maxim hates you! (and me)

Strangely enough I actually ordered a Maxim subscription for my wife for Christmas which might seem like one of the worse gift ideas ever but she actually finds mens magazines entertaining. As a bonus I can read them when she's done and they are usually a good throne-read.

I just finished reading an article about bloggers and vloggers. Apparently Maxim wants us to knock it off. I think "Mouth-breather" and "Basement Dweller" are thrown around in there too. I can definitely see their point about "illaterate teenz wit know concep of gramer" but they do seem to go on quite a tirade. It definitely paints bloggers with pretty broad brush strokes as a uniform, teeming mass of self-important glory hounds.

Personally I'd argue "If you don't like it fuck off." Really if you want to go out there and find the bleating melodramatic douche bags you can easily find them. Either way I think I'll keep blogging on the off chance someone randomly stumbles on my blog and thinks something I say is remotely interesting... or tells me I suck and should die... that's cool too.

Maxim also printed a rollerblader joke so that really got my ire up

Man down!

So unbeknownst to me, in my current haze of work, study and occasional forays into the land of Tamriel we lost one of our bloggers! LosRicos has walked away from his Blogger account with a last word of "Fin". Classy, and succinct but somewhat upsetting. Los Ricos, has been blogging since before I knew what the heck a blog even was. TheRoss and Daejin were assuming I was going that way too because my posts of slowed to virtual standstill. Well don't fear my readers (i.e no one) I'll keep writing inane drivel that you won't see at a more frequent rate than you've seen lately! Once a month! Honest :)

In a side note... I kind of want a job as a Corporate Ninja. My job has been just stupid busy of late and a coworker and I were talking and we thought Corporate Ninja would be much more fun. Jumping out of the rafters and attacking the projector during particularly boring powerpoints would be a good example of a necessary job function. Beats sales anyday!

Office Linebacker would be a good fallback

Golfing ain't good, but it ain't work

When I play golf with customers and co-workers I almost feel more like an undercover agent than a player. Sure I'll speak of "Dog Legs" and "Pitching Wedges" but I'm just not "Feeling it" like the others. I mentioned a while back I got my clubs for free, so I've used them twice! Fortunately, despite the assurances otherwise, I haven't become hopelessly addicted to the game.

There's a nice side effect to not caring though; golf is fucking hard! I never said it was easy before and had no delusions of grandeur in my head, even still I was astonished at how difficult the game is. All the same apparently I'm not horrible which is more than I could have ever hoped for. Today I scored 115 on a particularly brutal 18 hole course called "Crosswinds."

The weird thing is people that had a 5 stroke lead one me (:phht:) felt the need to tell me to watch my follow through, straighten my arm, bend my wrist, do the hokey pokey... etc... Just piss off Tiger, I'm doing okay. Although I don't think the grounds-keeper appreciated me unsodding his fairway or having a beach party in his bunkers.

I showed my appreciation by constantly locking up the brakes on our golf cart... fucker

A familiar (painful) SENSation

In the lotteries for happiness you have available to you rooting for a sports team isn’t an intelligent bet. In the NHL there is a 1/30 chance that your team is going to come out on top. Of course it isn’t quite a roll of the dice, some teams have overcome mere odds to be dominating forces. The Devils, Avalanche and Red Wings pretty much owned the 90s and turn of the century, the Oilers and Islanders had their chunk of the 80s, then before that Montreal owned just about everybody. Since their debut in the 92-93 season the modern incarnation of the Senators have had a pretty great record as a team. Sure they were last place in the NHL for 4 seasons running… but after that they’ve made the playoffs 10 times consecutively and have captured the presidents trophy and top place in their division numerous times. I probably didn’t “really” start becoming a Senators fan until 2000. When I was living in Newfoundland I actually was a fan of the New Jersey Devils. I used to play as them in NHLPA 93 for the Super Nintendo and oddly enough grew fond of the team. It was exciting watching them in the playoffs both as the bridesmaid to New York’s Cup and the big winner after that. Once I moved to Ontario I finally felt a connection of having a “Local Team” and of course that was Ottawa because Toronto isn’t a hockey team it’s an investment strategy. Since then there have been lots of highs during the regular season, especially devastating the Maple Leafs game after game, but the lows always came in the Playoffs, especially getting dumped by the underskilled Maple Leafs 4 times. Over the past 10 years we’ve developed the reputation as the “Choke Team”, all the talent all the momentum but no delivery in the playoffs.

This year it really felt different, from Game 1 against Pittsburgh the Senators have looked poised, determined and damn near unstoppable against 3 (debatably) “better” teams. We even demolished the #1 ranked Buffalo Sabres in 5 games. Now unfortunately the tides have turned for the worse. 2 Games in to the Stanley Cup Finals the Senators have yet to show up to play. The fire and ferocity that we’ve seen up to this point has seemed to have been snuffed by the suffocating defense of this Anaheim team. Saturday night’s game will undoubtedly be huge, it is realistically a “Must Win” although the same was probably true of last night’s game. Perhaps Ottawa can find a way to turn around and take it to the Ducks, but I am not blind to the fact that there is a possibility that Anaheim is simply the better team.

I really hope Ottawa can complete the Cinderella story. I want to see guys like Fisher, Neil and Corvo hoisting the cup. I want a Ottawa Senators 2007 Stanley Cup Champions hat. I want to be able to laugh at all the Leafs fans and say “Who’s choking now?” However, I think in the end I’m going to end up reflecting on another season of almost. That said I think the Senators really showed a lot of character this year regardless of the outcome and I am very proud of their accomplishments. If the cup isn’t to be this year, then I’ll hold on for another year when maybe it will happen. Thus is the cross we bare as fans. Good or bad they’re you’re team…. Until the Hamilton Predators start playing.

I wonder how many Senators flags we’ll see disappearing from cars next week?

Aurevoir... fuckers

Wow! Paris was quite the experience. Let me say in summary the trip was awesome, the Eiffel Tower at night, viewing works of art like the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo at the Louvre, the Architecture, the pastries . That said... people in Paris fucking suck! Fuck! I mean seriously you go in with a certain amount of forewarning about the Parisian attitude but seriously it was unreal. I actually like French, I even like speaking it whenever I get the chance but visiting Paris makes me want to format the part of my brain that learned French and put German there instead.

I realize my French is sketchy but if I say "Quatre" and you repeat "Deux?" back to me you're just trying to piss me off. Most cultures take it as a compliment if you try to speak their language, sure you sound like a retard but at least you're making an effort. French people clearly don't look at it this way, it's almost as though your mispronunciation is an insult to them. So fine your French sucks, lets just speak English... ya that doesn't work either basically you speak perfect French or you fuck off and die toute de suite!

I actually started to get pretty discouraged after about a day and really only my loving wife's reassurance convinced me to keep trying to talk with the people there. There was one guy who spoke to me entirely in French and didn't seem frustrated at my limited vocabulary and horrible accent. However, he was the dood working at the sandwich shop down the street from our hotel and he was actually Greek if I'm not mistaken. Either way he said my French was "Pretty Good" which was a nice change of pace. After that though it was just asshole after asshole.

After a week I was quite happy to go back to Canada. Oh and by the way French Food? Highly overrated!

In conclusion I'd say Paris was my favourite place to visit in the world...

After Edinburgh, Montreal, London, Cleveland, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Toronto, Phoenix, Baltimore and St. Louis (perhaps tied with Barrie)

Bonjour Paris!

If you'd like some comic relief for the day take the following post and churn it through the French > English Translator over at Altavista. I'm sure it'll be amusing if not comprehensible.

Aujourd'hui, ma marieé et moi ont voyages a France pour notre vacances. Quand J'etais jeune j'ai aimé essayer parler Francais. Les autres etudients n'aime pas Francais. Je toujours essais practiquer ma Francais, quand les autres ne veut pas. Quand j'etais en College j'ai pris une cours de "Francais Conversationnelle" parce que je veut souviens comment dire Francais. J'ai essai n'oublie pas le chose que j'ai apris mais je pense ma Francais maintenant est horrible. J'espere que le gens en Paris est plus gentil que les histoires, mais je pense il irais faut que je demande, "Parle-tu l'anglais monsieur?"

Je suis desolé

We don't talk like we used to

Wow sorry blog it’s been a while. We don’t talk quite as much as we used to huh? This weekend TheWife and I were talking and we discussed how much time we spend on our computers watching tv/surfing the weeb/playing video games and we realized it’s way too much time. At least the Wife is using her time on her rather successful blog instead of just wasting time. Me I’m mostly wasting my time on the computer. I decided for this week I’m going to use my time more effectively. That includes doing some yardwork, running errands, doing laundry, playing guitar, working on my French, and in general just avoiding sitting on my duff doing nothing.

However, you’ll have to note that when the hockey game is on all bets are off! And I’ll be sitting with my duff planted firmly on the couch yelling at referees and cheering for goals. Definitely noticing a lot more Senator's flags around these days. *cough* Bandwagon *cough*. By the way, who are these guys and what did they do with our Senators?

Whoever they are I think I like them a lot better.

Reality Shows

Well I got to admit it, when the wife first started watching Dancing with the Stars I was not particularly impressed. It became "Go study" time for me when I'd retreat to the kitchen to work on my university course. Silly me I should have learned to keep my distance. All of a sudden I'm dazzled with Apollo Ono's footwork and I find Ian's stance rigid and lacking in fluidity. The fact that they paired up Laila Ali with a guy still surprises me a little because if you hear her talk it's obvious she's actually a man.

While I'll admit a weakness for dancing wash-ups, I definitely have a resistance to all other forms of Reality crap. I took a glance at the new bachelor tonight. Whoa! They really must've emptied the supply of willing (albeit mentally defective) hotties in favour of some pug fuglies. I mentioned to my wife they could really spice up the Bachelor if they upped the ante a little. I suggested roses for the winners and a dagger for the women that don't quite measure up. Sure it'd be brutal... but it'd be interesting telly!

Susan, we had a really nice time and it was nice to meet your family but *STAB* *GURGLE*

Wow when Italian Leather just isn't good enough

My wife is definitely the fashionista in my house however I do lend my opinion on some of the stuff she looks at. This one was just too tempting. I was pointing out how some shoes are just crazy expensive even when they're on sale. I liked this shoe and started to rant on the price until I bust out laughing.

I don't know at what point it became legal, but I'm pretty sure making shoes from people breaks some kind of laws.

I could rant and rave about my battle with Hyundai but that's not over yet and I don't have anything happy to report.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

Remember that other week from hell?

This is its big brother.

I haven't be posting lately because I've been waiting for the sun's rays to break through my gray skies. Well... that ain't fucking happening so here's my bitch post.

Last Thursday night instead of hanging with the homies watching the Senz stomp Crosby I was stranded at a highway McDonalds because my 4000KM old Tiburon died at the age of 5 weeks. Unbelievable! However, thankfully I still have a warranty. Turns out the clutch and the flywheel are both completely toast and guess what? They're not covered by warranty! Regardless at this early an age naturally the dealership that sold it to me will help me out. NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. They all but flipped me the bird! By the way Kingscross Motor Sports is the most corrupt organization of thieves known to man and I hope Anthony Chung mistakes tic tacs for his heart pills.

This weekend the wife and I went to pick up a "prize" we won (we thought at a wedding show) in Mississauga (1 hour drive.) Turns out it was one of those sales promotion blitzes where stupid people get hosed out of their money. Surly sales people like myself apparently get marched out the back door to an empty parking lot.

Then just today on my way to pick up my lovely wife from her workplace (since we have only one car) I forgot the turn to her workplace and in a bone head move decided to try to get over to the right lane in time and clipped a Chrysler 300. Undoubtedly he's going to send me some bogus 1000 dollar bill fore his "repairs" (it's a scuff mark.)

So far this week I'm looking to be down anywhere from 2-3000 dollars and it's only Tuesday.

Alcoholics aren't born, they're made during weeks like this

So you Pens fans were sayin'?

Don't worry I'm not going to start boasting or making any Jinxing statements about tomorrow night's game. I just thought I'd like to remind Penguins players that the Senators... they're not afraid of you. Not only do you have to contend with Alfredsson growing a pair of testicles you've also got to deal with players just stepping up their games. Corvo and Neil both come to mind. Corvo already has a pair of goals and Neil scored a beauty on the break away in the first game. Everyone on Ottawa is showing up for their games, and in Game 3 when we weren't so stellar, Rayzor came through with the big stops. The series ain't over yet, but if the Penguins want to stay alive they're going to have to contend with a Sens squad that's firing on all cylinders.

See you Ottawa tomorrow Crosby, get a good rest. You'll need it.

Cardiomygod

Man! Once again to anyone who attributes my not-being-fatness to “genes” or “metabolism” need only take a quick peek at my schedule this week to realize otherwise. Tonight I’m going to be hitting the gym for the first time in a while (given a mass build-up of guilt) due to illness over the last couple of weeks. I’ll probably do about 45 minutes of weights and 45 minutes of cardio on the Elliptical. So that’s day 1, I’ll probably do chest/shoulders/tri’s as legs will not be an option. Tomorrow at lunch I’ll be playing hockey for 1.5 hours with my boss and co-workers. Wednesday I will likely hit the gym again at lunch for back/bi’s. Thursday is 1.5 hours of hockey at lunch and another hour in the evening. Then on Friday another one hour game after work.

Putting in about 5 hours of hockey this week should be good given my recent drop-off in offense presence. 1 goal over the past 2 months of hockey is pretty pathetic since I play wing. I’m hoping I’ll get at least one goal this week at least. I’ve been missing a lot of shots by not only shooting them over the net but over the boards. I’m cutting down my Sherwood hockey stick because I’ve noticed it’s longer than my other sticks. So right now I’m blaming that for my recent scoring draught.

It’s easier than blaming it on my complete lack of skill.

Aye aye Captain!

Wow. So who is this crazy Swede?

For years now I've been a huge Alfredsson critic. The fact of the matter is I have on many an occasion said, "Trade his ass!" Personally I feel I've been justified, last year Alfredsson's playoff tally was 1 goal and 3 assists in 10 playoff games. Come on! You're the fricken Captain! Well that's what I've always said...

Now I'm changing my tune like a fan-boy bandwagon jumper. The thing is I knew Alfredsson was capable of more, and now he's showing it. About freakin' time for sure but hey, better late than never. Personally I thought Alfredsson absolutely demolishing Roberts with a bodycheck was a symbolism that transcended the scoreboard. Series is going well... who knows how it'll end, but if this keeps up it'll be all over.

Alfredsson riding that little bitch Armstrong was also a beautiful scene

Lucky bounces and flukes do not a comeback make

Well I, like LosRicos, wasn't completely surprised that the Pittsburgh Penguins took down the second game of the playoffs between the two teams. Honestly though I thought the Sens still looked like the better team. Ottawa hit at least 3 posts and had a couple of shots that woulda-coulda-shoulda. Would I like to have gone up 2 games? Of course. Do I think it's time to pee our pants? Not exactly, all the same it's important that we take down this next one tomorrow night. If we play like we did today minus the first period, I think it's very likely we'll win tomorrow's game. I make no promises though.

Speaking of the game Hats-off to Alfie. I've been one of Alfredsson's staunchest critics in the past decade and have often said he needs to be traded. Actually I'm a huge fan of Heatley for captain. However, these first two games Alfredsson has been stellar. He might not be lighting up the scoreboard but he's definitely playing with heart, and I'm loving that. Who knows how it'll turn out... fingers crossed.

Thank God it's a best of 7 and not a best of 3

Shootin' blanks!

Wow, what a terrible night of paintball. Generally speaking I dominate the field when I play paintball most nights. Tonight the competition wasn't particularly fierce but I just couldn't get anything going. I was missing easy shots and overall stinking up the field.

On top of that my pods opened up mid-game and spilled about 15 dollars worth of paint all over the place. Not only that my custom Lexan trigger I built for my paintball gun? It broke in mid-game. Needless to say not my finest hour.

Next time I'm going for blood!

I did kick the crap out of my brother in law in one game though so all is well

1 down 15 to go

Well well well. I do recall telling the Penguins fans that if they were expecting an Ottawa Senators marquee "Choke" they might be surprised. Little did I know that Ottawa would not only outplay Pittsburgh but would in fact destroy them. Our defense were stifling, the forecheck was devastating and second and third string players were lighting up the scoreboard. The game was riddled with penalties and I'll admit the Crosby goal could've been allowed, but in the end I don't think any of it would've mattered. The Senators came out with something to proove and they proved it. We're not going to lay down and take it. Saturday's game should be interesting and I think Pittsburgh will bounce back but I think it would only take a first period push by Ottawa to really unnerve these kids. All-in-all I couldn't have expected much better in an opening game. Great jobs sens. Go deep!

We have only begun to fight

More things I would and wouldn't do with my Tiburon

Okay tomorrow will DEFINITELY be a hockey post so today another car post Why not!

Sunday I talked about 3 potential Tiburon upgrades I've seen around the weeb, so here are three more!

Front bumper aluminum grill: Don't know what it is about the grill effect but I have to say I like it. Unlike the body kits with big plastic mouldings and "ground effects" the addition of the grill adds a visual improvement to the front of the car while not drawing too much attention. I think if you saw it on a Tiburon you'd just assume it belongs there, which doesn't make people in Civics want to "drag" you on the "quarter mile." Which is good and bad. I would like to smoke your Civic.

Turbo Charger: More power! This effectively turns your Sporty Coupe in to a legitimate Sports Car and screams with balls. Not to mention you can tuck it all beneath your hood and have infinite power to destroy almost any vehicle on the road in acceleration. The problem? Other than the $3000 dollar price tag and the divorce there are a few issues with a Turbo charger. Maybe the fact that you'd likely have to change your engine headers, catback, exhaust, intake and clutch and add a torque dampener to even control the additional power at the crank so you don't drive into a orphanage the first time you hit the gas.

Lowering Springs: So you want to really carve those turns? You have to lower your center of gravity. Easiest way to do that is with lowering springs. And good news they don't cost that much? Bad news your ride probably won't be very smooth since you have less of a buffer between the ground and the frame of your car, because a sporty stance requires stiff suspension. Really the killer for me is when you have to take the long way around at the mall because you don't have the clearance to drive over a speed bump. The Tiburon is already startlingly low to the ground and I have a strict "Speedbumps be damned" policy that would not work with this.

I would've wrote longer but I have to poo

Flightless Birds of Fancy

I am quite surprised to find an American sports writer calling Senators VS Penguins in 5. I'm not even that confident. Of course if you read the comments attached to the article you'll see a huge army of Penguins fans quickly turn this around and say that the Penguins will destroy the Sens.

What is there reasoning for this defeat? The regular season series and the choke factor. I personally find it funny how these teams that rarely make the playoffs can say, "We're going to beat the Senators because they choke in the playoffs." Well while you're jerking yourselves in your 200 dollar Reebok Crosby jersey you might be forgetting a couple of things. The "Former Stanley Cup Champions" last year might've though they'd take out the Choking Senators... until they got spanked in 5. I'm not denying that we choke in some big games but the Penguins are missing a couple of big factors.

We don't care about you. That's right Pens fans, we've never been beaten by you. Leafs, Sabres, Devils.... we got some history. The Penguins, not so much. Not to mention our wet-behind-the-ears goalie. Not so wet any more. Oh ya and Crosby? We got Heatley, not too shabby either. I pretty much think we got you covered in every aspect. So you Penguin fans have yourself a great day tomorrow, go to bed with dreams of choking Senators, and a failing Emery in your head, but Wednesday you're coming to the capitol of Canada.... and we're going to play some fucking hockey!

CAN I HEAR A HOO-WAH!

What would I do and not do to my car?

Okay most of the young guys I know are already harassing me about "Tuning" my car. Am I going to tune my car? Hells no, she's under warranty. But if my wife can talk about 400 dollar dresses I can talk about performance upgrades. So lets talk Tiburon Upgrades! I might do this on and off and it gets a little meaty so lets limit it to three upgrades a post :)

Cold-Air Intake: The cold air intake is a pretty simple modification. Stock air intake pulls air into the fuel mix through a series of filters. More filtering equals more constriction of air flow. Taking colder air into the fuel mix also tricks your car into adding more fuel into the mix. More power, no obvious rice-boy look and you can pick one up for under 100 bucks. All good.

Angel Eyes: On one hand, it looks pretty cool. The inner coil of LED lights sits inside your regular headlights and your running lights now look like some cool glowy eyes. Sure it looks nice but A) It's expensive as hell ($480.00) and B) You're screaming rice-boy. A little too showy for the near-30 white boy in the sports coupe.




Racing Cat-back and Exhaust: Like a Cold-Air intake, higher flow is your friend and constriction takes away your power. However in regards to your exhaust less constrictive airflow means your normally quiet exhaust sounds a little more like a kazoo. The "Fart Can" effect. It generally amplifies your car's engine sounds. So on a 4 Cylinder Civic it sounds weak. On a V6 engine it might have a more-powerful rumble. Still Ghey as all heck! This is practically like an all-access pass to ricedom.

Of course even if it's a cool upgrade no vehicle upgrade would ever meet wife approval anyway :p

I have failed, but at least the Leafs might lose

Well, I finally fell off the rails. I could make the excuse of "Sick as a Dog" but I could've used that excuse a week ago. But anyway I made a good run at it. I did my two weeks and now I'm going to simply try to post often. No big glorious declarations, I'm just gonna post my ass off.

Anyway looks like your Ottawa Senators will be taking the hometown advantage away from those nasty penguins. Now we just gotta see a dominating destruction of Pittsburgh in the first round.

Marc-Andre Fleury is ranked 28th among goalies in the NHL, Emery is ranked 14th so goaltending goes to Ottawa. Pittsburgh has the 5th highest Powerplay in NHL, Ottawa 15th. Points for Pittsburgh. Ottawa has the 8th place Penalty Kill, Pittsburgh, 17th. Ottawa again.

Ottawa has 5 players with over 20 goals, Pittsburgh 5... we'll call it a draw.

Okay stats suck... we're going to kick their asses and Crosby is going to cry like a girl.

Go sens go golf leafs golf

Fine a Cliffhanger it is!

Well Thursday night's loss to Pittsburgh pretty much leaves us with one game to win hometown advantage against the Penguins. However there is still more pressure on the Penguins as they have to win their game on Saturday night, if they lose it doesn't matter what Ottawa does.

According to NHL.com, "The Bruins (35-40-6) have lost 10 of their last 11 games, including matching season-high five-game losing streaks. Boston, however, leads the season series with the Senators 4-3-0, including a 3-2 win in the last meeting March 27." Why we've had such difficulty against such a mediocre team I don't know, perhaps it was the whole trading Chara thing.

In the Pittsburgh camp, "Pittsburgh is 4-1-2 versus the Rangers this season, but lost 2-1 in the most recent matchup on March 19. New York is 13-2-4 in its last 19 games and clinched a playoff berth with a 3-1 win over Montreal on Thursday."

Sounds like Pittsburgh has the advantage on Saturday night but that will remain to be seen. A lot of my co-workers are thinking the Pens will take the Sens in the first round. I wholeheartedly argue this point stating that despite our less than stellar playoff performance we have a whole heck of a lot more than Pittsburgh. And this year not being in 1st place we don't have any pressure on us.

For the Leafs fans the playoffs start tonight, except it's a best of 1.

My Wife wears the blog pants in this family.

Wow in a mere fraction of the time it has taken me to get more than 10 hits a day my wife has managed to create a following. On her slow days Ma Petite Chou is pulling down 130 hits a day which I think is more like my monthly total. She's been linked to from a lot of the more popular fashion blogs out there and today she was added to the Fashion Blog List on Elle Magazine's website

I guess it goes to show you that having a focus on your blog (and working your butt off on it) can definitely pay dividends. All the same I find it hard to update every day when talking on dozens of topics I could only imagine if I had to narrow it down.

Either way I definitely have "Teh Envy"
In other news my voice is still gone so no one can hear me complain

Oh baby she's a-comin'

Well there you have it folks. Two games left for our beloved Senators 2007 Regular season. I think I can pretty much be quoted verbatim for saying, "I don't want Ottawa to finish in 1st place in their division, I don't want the added pressure." Well there we go I guess I get my wish. All the same I rather they had home ice advantage.

To do that they simply need to do one thing, beat Pittsburgh on Thursday. Pittsburgh are two points behind Ottawa in the standings so by beating Pittsburgh on Thursday Ottawa will widen the gap between them to 3 or 4 points, then even if Ottawa loses and Pittsburgh wins their last games Ottawa is safe. I still haven't called Rogers about getting a temporary HD box, but it doesn't look like such a package exists. Woe is me! Not having cable I don't even get TSN so my plans of hosting all the games here might fall through. I'll keep you posted.

By the by, I include some Leaf info in there too, cause a playoffs isn't a playoffs unless we put out those stinking Leafs!

Oops I left my voice at home

Damnit I knew I forgot something!

Well I was off all day yesterday due to illness but decided today I was going drag myself into the office come hell or highwater. There’s a long weekend coming up and I thought it’d be uber suspicious for me to be taking two days off sick during a 4 day work week. Actually when I woke up this morning I felt pretty good. I brushed my teeth, used a little mouthwash, popped a Strepsil and a couple of Tylenol Cold & Sinus. I felt a lot better than yesterday and thought I could face the day. The drive was pretty easy and my head was feeling clear so I thought I was finally out of the woods.

Then I tried to talk. Tried being the operative word. I tried to say “Good morning” to a coworker upon arrival in the office and it kind of came out like “Kroaknin.” I mustered a raspy “Morning” after a couple of attempts. It’s continued like that pretty much all morning so far my voice coming and going and breaking up in awkward honks and croaks. I’m glad I don’t feel as bad as yesterday but it still makes it really difficult to do my job. Best of all I have a customer meeting in the afternoon where I’ll have to talk for a solid hour. Looks like another early night tonight with some more Vicks Vaporub and soup.

Honk

I walked into the fires of hell, and had a great time

Post #14

Well I was at home sick today which kind of sucks but at least it gave me some quality time on the couch in my bath robe. This is time I probably should've spent lying in bed but instead I opted to sit on the couch in front of the LCD.

That's because the poor souls of Cryodiil were crying out to me. Crying out from beneath the flaming portals of Oblivion. Oblivion is a PC Game from Bethesa Softworks that has some seriously impressive lineage being the sequel to Morrowind a monster of a game in its own right.

Having faced an addiction to Morrowind a few years back I knew what to expect with Oblivion. In no time I had my silver haired, blue-eyed wood elf loaded up with a quiver of arrows and ready to take on the world. First thing you'll notice about this game is that it is gorgeous. It's the prettiest game I've ever played. Trekking across the land of Cryodiil is actually part of the enjoyment in Oblivion, at times I'll just stop and look at the flowers blowing in the breeze. That is of course until a screaming flaming portal to hell opens up in front of you and it gets nasty. The story isn't going revolutionize fantasy stories, the death of an empire, rise of an evil power, all of course to be unravelled by the player, the hero of the story.

So the game looks great, and the story is pretty cool, how does it play? Like butter! The AI is smarter than in Morrowind and my old trick of walking around a rock while pelting an enemy with arrows just doesn't fly any more. However there's nothing like picking off a goblin right between the eyes with an arrow and watch him get knocked over backwards and tumble down a hillside. The physics are well represented and the effects are beautiful. What can I say, love the game and hey it has expansions coming so if I can actually finish this quest (which I never did with Morrowind) I have even more content to look forward too. I recommend you check it out if you got a beast of a PC to run it. It's the game that makes systems cry.

Hey you don't get all that beautiful flowers-blowing-in-breeze for nothing

Under the Weather

Ugh. Being sick sucks, being sick on the weekend sucks more! Yesterday it was a slight tickel in the throat, a little bit of a cough, all right so far. The there was this morning, body aches, razor blade thoat, nasal congestion, the whole 9.

After spending pretty much the whole day on the couch feeling like crap I'm pretty sure I'm justified in calling in sick tomorrow. I wish I could feel better so I could actually enjoy said sick day. Methinks it's gonna be a whole lot of rest and liquids and not nearly enough videogames and loafing.

Anyway I'm too tired to type any more. You'll have to entertain yourself. Oooh go check out the hockey standings, and keep hoping the Senators will finish in at least 4th.

Ib all stubbed ub.

Upgraditis

Post #12

My Wife just does not get the male need to upgrade. I don't understand the need for 20 pairs of shoes. Men and women are just different inthat aspect.

Last night when playing paintball I was thinking I could use a new barrel control bore to tighten up my accuracy. When I was playing hockey on Thursday I was thinking I could really use a nice composite fibre-lite stick. When I rollerblade.... Okay my rollerblades are the coolest shit ever so they don't need any more love.

Regardless every hobby I have and every toy I own I always have a desire to pimp it out, supe it up or upgrade it to maximum performance. Of course being a realistic guy I know I shouldn't and most times I don't but I can't keep my inner tinkerer from wanting more speed, more finesse and damnit more power

Insert Tim the toolman taylor barking here

Painty

Post #11

Another good night of paintball except all that painty taste in my mouth.

Some people are just pricks and tonight they definitely weren't me. The term bonus balling really came into affect tonight. After hitting me once (and me putting my hand up and calling myself out) a guy on the other team proceeded to shoot me another 7 times after I already submitted to his deluge of paint. The same player was accused of "overshooting" twice in the same 2 minute game. What a prick.

I on the other hand was a gentleman. I did a run thru on the right side of the field and caught the back left player all alone. It was just a little 4' tall kid with an Ion and I barrel tagged him to let him know he was out. He thanked me for not bunkering the crap out of him. I did another run through later and did the same to another player screaming "MERCY!" instead of drowning him in paint.

A coworker of mine actually joined me for tonight's festivities and showed himself to have the eye of the tiger for the paintballins. He was diving into the snake like a pro in no time. He even dove through the center of the X which I thought was inventive and aggressive both good things. Looking forward to molding him in my image

So close to not done on time!

Gotta strip and lube tonight but it won't be fun.

Post #10

Whenever I think of playing paintball I relish the actual playing of the game. I do not however relish the idea of maintaining my equipment. For those out there who use Tippmans (the AK-47 of paintball guns) maintenance involves squeezing two drops of oil into the bottle adapter and shooting it. My paintball gun is not so forgiving. My marker is considered “High End” which has the benefits of minimal recoil, ridiculous rates of fire, higher accuracy and greatly improved airflow and regulation. If the Tippy is a club the Wrath is a samurai sword.

Unfortunately this samurai sword has low pressure hoses, barbs, a solenoid and more electronics than the nightstand in a divorcee’s bedroom. The process of stripping, cleaning and reassembling my marker is arduous at best. So tonight after hockey I’m looking forward to about 2 hours in the living room with a news paper removing pieces, oiling and reassembling. Yippee. Although it’s all worth it tomorrow night when I’m mowing faces like no-one’s business.

Are those my balls on your face?

I don't mean to be a poseur... honest!

Post #9

It’s funny how some people spend so much time trying to make their cars look cool to 10% of the population and look incredibly gay to the other 90%. Whether it’s the neon running lights, whale tail spoilers or spinner wheel covers there are some serious auto-fashion faux pas. Unfortunately one of these heinous acts was perpetrated on both Daejin and my vehicles by the previous owners.

The act in question is putting a big ass “GT-R” logo on the back. Arguably more silly on Daejin’s car because there wasn’t even a GT model of that year of Protégé. My car is a GT so it almost makes sense… but it’s still gay. For those of you who are not familiar with the genealogy of the GT-R logo that’s no surprise. The GT-R in question was never actually released in North America. It’s the badge of the tuner-screamer the Nissan Skyline. The Skyline is a monster of Japanese car. It’s the Japanese car that makes Detroit shake at its foundation. Featured in one those Fast and… movies it’s a pretty infamous vehicle.

So basically putting a GT-R badge on your car is the equivalent of having Louis Vuiton purse with the Vs and Ls upside down. Anyone who knows anything about cars just thinks it’s really gay. I’ve heard you can use dental floss and a buffer to remove the offending tag. I might just have to do it. Unfortunately I can’t find a stock GT badge for a Tiburon anyway. Stupid Ricers!!!

How you lika my ride I driva sooooo fast bay-bee!

I have almost fallen to the dark side.

Post #8

I don’t even like wearing business casual! I’m more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. Exchanging business cards doesn’t sound like fun to me, it’s work. Heck even standing in the sun drinking beer sounds more like a good opportunity for dehydration than for relaxation. So as you can imagine golf AIN’T my sport. Too slow and too boring. However fate would force my hand. A co-worker of mine had an extra set of clubs his in-laws were getting rid of and the price was right. That price is “Absolutely free.” So whether I like it or not I now own golf clubs, which means I’m only a hair trigger away from actually playing golf. I can only assume next comes white pants, argyle socks and wasted Saturday afternoons.

Mark Twain once said golf is a good walk wasted. Mark Twain is smarter than you and NEVER wore argyle socks!

It’s a retard thing you just wouldn’t understand

Post #7

You can tell a lot by the car a person drives. Odds are if it’s a 40 foot long Buick it’s going to be blue-haired grandma, a lowered civic with a muffler that sounds like a kazoo? Teenaged whiteboy with racial confusion issues, or Asian ricer. These profiles are never 100% correct but they definitely work as a good baseline. From soccer mom’s, to balding men in midlife crises different vehicles naturally draw different personality types. And assholes are natural drawn to the jeep.

I don’t know if it all spawned from the typical testosterone-soaked military attitude but since it’s inception as a commercial vehicle the Jeep has drawn a unique audience. If you look for them closely you’ll start to see them. Like that asshole that parks halfway up a snow bank at the mall during Christmas cause they don’t want to drive around for the extra 5 minutes to find a parking spot. The dood with the 60” mud-runner tires that’s blocking any view of the highway ahead of him, mullet flowing in the breeze and whitesnake blaring. Or like I witnessed today when a Jeep driver pulled out onto the shoulder, drove across the no-man’s land between an on-ramp and the high way only to cut back into the flow of traffic cutting off all the people obeying traffic laws and waiting for the traffic jam to clear.

They’re pretty easy to spot when you see their mission statement. A big annoying bumper sticker that says, “It’s a Jeep thing you wouldn’t understand.” I’d like to get a bumper sticker that said, “Jeep owners, we understand, you’re a bunch of assholes.”

Disclaimer: If you are a Jeep owner and are not a huge asshole please disregard this post and its contents. But odds are you are. Aren't you? Fess up asshole!

I want to knock you out. Or at least break your wrist a little.

Post #6

It's funny I consider myself a pretty peaceful person but at the same time there's this part of me that just has this desire to fight. Don't get me wrong I've never picked a fight in my life. Never been a bully nor a brawler. At the same time I've always felt the desire to learn how to fight. I've been pissed off at my local Good Life lately because they don't have a heavy bag.

Next year I'm thinking of dropping the whole gym membership thing and opting for martial arts again. I could go with Karate again but after 7 years of Karate I don't think there's a lot I would get out of a class. Plus to be quite honest with you I learned more about fighting in a year of Muay Thai than I ever did in Karate. Judo is just not my style. Sure it's great that you know how to throw someone over you shoulder but getting them to stand there and let you do it just isn't likely. Tae Kwon Do always seemed to be too much bark not enough bite. Big flashy kicks but lacking the practicality of simpler strikes. Kung Fu would be cool if it wasn't ridiculously expensive to go to a decent school.

I'm thinking something different this time around, something in the realm of Jujutsu or Aikido. I have pretty good hand and leg strikes but my ability to do joint-locks and pressure point manipulation is non-existant. Either way I figure a little diversity never hurt anyway, who knows maybe I'll be snapping necks at a Steven Segal level in no time!

If Good Life would just let me kick the crap out of their personal trainers that would be the ultimate workout. Have I mentioned I hate personal trainers? By the way, I hate personal trainers.

The hills have balls, the dolls do not

Post #5

Last night the wife and I went to the local theater to check out The Hills have Eyes 2. Last week we saw 300 and Dead Silence. Of the three 300 would probably be the favourite, then again that is to be expected as most people seem to enjoy that movie. Even my buddy's wife who is an uber-Christian wasn't put-off by the gore and boobies. The cinematography was amazing and the movie didn't lull at any point, pulse pounding to the end.

300 Aside the wife and I usually hit the theaters for one reason, Horror Flicks. We went to see Dead Silence hoping for something like the movie The Dolls from the 80s (one of my personal favourites) and unfortunately ended up with something a little more like a neutered Chucky movie. The first time a shadow passes over a ventriloquist's dummy and the eyes change position, that's creepy. The 17th time it's more like, "Ya we know his fucking eyes are going to move!" The overuse of suspense has a counter-productive effect of making you complete numb to the suspense itself. Something happens and you're like, "Oh shit I was supposed to be on the edge of my seat. Oh well." The plot dragged and had holes you could drive a military convoy through. If it's dark a working lantern would appear, if there was a river there was a boat, if the boat was gone... guess what. There was another boat. I think 4 people died in the course of the movie which to me is about on par with an episode of CSI, not a freakin' horror movie. Definitely a snooze and a half.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 on the other hand I found enjoyable. With all the setup done in the original THHE2 doesn't waste your time building up mood. Someone dies brutally in the first 45 seconds of the movie and really the pace doesn't drop much from there. In traditional Wes Craven fashion the deaths are novel. A little humor mixed in with the carnage like waving to someone who's falling off of a cliff with their own disembodied hand. Clever. I thought THHE2 conveyed the "Oh fuck we're dead" motif pretty well. As I find is becoming more popular with modern horror movies, the strongest and most competent members of the group die first, leaving you with a bunch of scared wusses and women. All in all the movie just works. A little The Descent, A Little Aliens and a little Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A good old fashioned bloody-as-hell horror romp.

No snoozes required for that one

Those who can, do, those you can't sell.

Post #4

I don’t talk about my job on here very often. Or at all for that matter. It could be because I’ve always feared my business life getting a glimpse at my non-business life. Perhaps that or I’m occupationally geeky, which doesn’t lend itself well to the image of “Hardcore Rollerblading Guy” or “Vicious Speedball Player.” However, unlike those two things I’m actually really good at my Job. I’m in “Technical Sales” and coming up on year end I’m looking at matching or exceeding an already stellar Freshman year in my role (Sophomore Jinx my ass.) Also, it seems that I’m likely going to be doing my first complete doubling of a sales quarter. What does that mean? 200% Commission, and a guaranteed get-out-of-jail free ticket for at least another 3 months with my boss. Sales might get a bad wrap, but I’ll be damned if the perks aren’t great when things are going well. Well I gotta go I’m leaving work an hour early because I feel like it.

Now if I could just get my hair a little greasier

Roll up the Rim

Post #3

1 in 9 odds my ass! I’m currently at 12 Roll up the Rim cups and 0 Victories! This happens to me every year! Eventually I’ll get a couple in a row in which I’ll win and my odds will balance out but my first run is always terrible. Generally speaking my luck is rather good but in the last few weeks it’s quite obvious (particularly if you read my posts) that I have not been lucky.

Today alone I had two teas and a coffee at Tim Hortons and I got nothing. Not even a freakin' donut. And even if I did get a donut I can't eat it anyway. I've kind of sworn off donuts of late. Though I did have some for breakfast the other day... but that doesn't count.

Anyway zee weekend is almost here and I'm playing paintball tomorrow night so yay!

That was a weak post. Sorry they can't all be winners ;)

Best game you’ve never played

Post #2

When I finished Knights of the Old Republic 2 a couple of months back my lasting thought was, “I paid money for that ****ing thing!?!” The original Knights of the Old Republic was made by Bioware, who are in my opinion some of the best software developers and Canadian to boot! The original was twisting, captivating and exciting. The sequel was boring, uninvolved and buggy as hell. Reloading levels was a common occurrence simply because the game would occasionally execute events in the wrong order causing you to be stuck in the game. Hours of game play lost for nothing. You also had no real connection to any of the characters in your party and became ridiculously powerful within the third of the game and could literally left click your way through any foe, bosses included. Utter disappointment! Then there’s Freedom Force VS The Third Reich. FFVTTR was 9.99 at Wal-Mart in the value games bin. Made by Irrational Games, it’s the sequel to “Freedom Force” which, itself, was apparently a fantastic game. While the graphics won’t blow you away, the voice acting is silly at best and the “cut scenes” look like me screwing around with Macromedia Flash, the game is great. The game is a little RPG a little Real Time Strategy and a bit of Action/Adventure. The characters are fun to use, there’s a boat load of them and once you get it down the interface is very intuitive. Add in the fact that the game is customizable from Stories, to Characters and you get a lot of value for 9.99. Also once I found out you could download superhero meshes and skins from the weeb and use them in the game I was giddy. The Predator Warrior and Predator Hunter are “heroes” I can’t go to battle without. There’s nothing like knocking over a half a dozen Nazi Gorillas off a rooftop with a crushing blow from your Predator Warrior. Trust me.

Knights of the Old Republic 2… the force is weak with this one

Rollerbladers cannot live on bread alone... or at all

Personal Challenge
A post-a-day for two weeks! Why? Well watching my wife work the interweb and pull in a pretty good size audience and in a fraction of the time I’ve been blogging, I got “Teh Jealousy” for sure. So here it goes! 14 posts in 14 days! Can he do it!

Post #1
For those of you who don’t rollerblade (pretty much all of you) this probably doesn’t mean much. To me, it’s an omen of things to call, or a foreshadowing of disaster. Rollerblading has been on life support for a while now. Back in 2005 we were kicked out of the X-Games in favor of such BS as Rally Racing (extreme sport?) Things were getting bad, ASA (Aggressive Skating Association) events were no longer being broadcast, and a lot of major aggressive vendors closed up shop. The biggest probably being Fiziks, at the time the only suspension frame on the market. Since then a couple of new brands (mostly making wheels… big whoop) have sprung up, but none that would really spark a revitalizing of the industry. Daily Bread, the foremost rollerblading magazine in North America, once the publication which all rollerbladers looked to to tie us all together kept getting smaller and smaller. Less sponsorship and advertiser money was blamed for the trimming down of the magazine. Bad has gone from worse as Daily Bread no longer exists. Shelves at bookstores across the land add yet another skateboarding leghumpers, or scrapbooking quarterly in its place. No one will ever walk by and go, “You can do that on rollerblades?” No one will ever think, “I wanna be that guy.” Right now rollerblading is dying, and it’s going out with a whisper not a bang. BE-Mag, based out of Austria is the last voice left for the remnants of a dying society. Do I think rollerblading will die? Yes. Do I think it will live again? Yes. However, I foresee a time in the future when a handful of die-hards retake the respect of the media, organize and force the world to notice. When that happens I’ll be the old dood at the skate park saying, “Fuck yeah, back before rollerblading was cool I could do 540s and Kind Grinds.” Then when asked to prove it I’ll have to cite back pains or arthritis as an excuse.

If you can’t give us this day Our Daily Bread, maybe give us one a few years from now.

Starting uphill, in the snow, on a monday morning...

Well I had to back gingerly out of my driveway today 'cause the bitch across the street parked right across from my house. Gingerly is probably a bit of a misnomer... I think it would be better described as tire-squealing-clutch-popping-spasms. You see if you've never driven a standard before you don't really appreciate how fucking complicated it is to get moving on a hill. Theoretically it's not so bad, you just need to let out the clutch 'til the point it starts to grip and then give it a little gas. Easy right? WRONG! See while you're letting out that clutch like a pro you also gotta let go of the brake. The brake is the thing that's keeping your car from rolling backwards down a hill into an innocent bystander or idiot tailgater. However the brake keeps the car from accelerating... and if the car doesn't accelerate it stalls. Then it rolls back down the hill into an innocent bystander or idiot tailgater. Complicated? Nah not really. So lets bump up the challenge factor!

+ Sudden inclimate weather coating your street in an icy-slick coating
+ V6 Engine and a clutch that says "Fuck you I'm ripping off, I'll see you at home"

So now when I ease out on the clutch the front wheel starts spinning like a motherfucker and skidding all over the place. The wheels never really "caught" in first but I figured I could smooth it out in 2nd. Yaaaaaaaaaaa... no! The shift to second continued poorly. The torque at the wheels just made it skid out like crazy. Third, my car actually started to drift towards the curb and only through some Dakar Rallyesque steering did I advert disaster. Once I got to the main street it was a piece of cake... but I'm not looking forward to next winter.

I wonder if I can find a tank-tread mod for a Tiburon on EBay?

Our New Car

Man when it comes time to buying a car I think you could easily go cross-eyed with options and opinions. You read Consumer Reports and they say, "It's horrible!" look at the Lemonaid Guide and they say it's "Above Average." Talk to your friends and they steer you one way, talk to your parents and... screw that, don't talk to your parents.

Regardless buying a car is not an easy process. After the various issues I've had over the last few weeks with my car, and with warmer weather right around the corner I was getting the itch to purchase. I scoured The Autotrader for weeks, test drove some cars, did a boat load of research and finally bit the bullet this Tuesday. Anyway long story short the new car is a 2003 Hyundai Tiburon GT with only 36000 KMs. It's got 17" Rims, All Leather seats and a V6 engine. It's basically a fun to drive cheap sports coupe. I've been wanting one ever since the new body design in 2003 and I'm happy to finally have one.

Now I just need to figure out that whole driving a standard thing :(

The road to hell is paved with ice and snow

Well if you were a silly bastard like me you might assume that after last week things would start to go well again. Silly bastard!

Tuesday
I was planning on meeting my first customer at 11:30 today in Niagara Falls so instead of driving in to the office I slept in and decided to work from home then head out at 9:30. That was the plan anyway. The soccer mom across the street always parks her car along the curb in front of her house, which is fine except it's right in front of our driveway. So I can't really "gun" the car down the driveway to get over the log of ice left behind by Satan the snow plow driver so I have to make sure to cut the wheel "just so" Well this morning I didn't and I caught some of the hard packed ice and snow under my front axle. That was 9:30. Two and a half hours of chopping ice with a machette, jacking up my car, breaking my shovel and putting boards under the wheels I finally got the damn thing out. A half an hour after my meeting in Niagara Falls. Needless to say I canceled the appointment this morning. Unfortunately now I have to try to juggle my whole schedule accordingly. Is it Spring yet!?!

It would give me great satisfaction to floor my car down my driveway into that fricken car

That was one shitty week!

I was thinking about trying to come up with some kind of witty title for the week I had, but screw that. I'm too drained to bother. Let me take you through this week!

Monday
Having drove a combined total of about 12 hours over the weekend the 1 hour commute to Burlington seemed more horrible than usual. I got to work late, and just my luck my boss happened to beat me there. A customer called with a problem about 4:55 forcing me into a little extra overtime and a longer commute home. Yippee!

Tuesday
Tuesday was full of promise with the scheduling of a customer call in the afternoon I was all setup for a quick 3:30 retreat from work. Denied! The customer canceled and a bunch of paperwork seemed to fall into my lap to keep me busy 'til 5. I got out of the office at the usual time and turned the bend around the corner from the office when suddenly my car died. That might not sound too technical but damnit it died! The car basically turned into a soap-box racer and I fortunately managed to stear it into a parking lot. I called my insurance company to find out I did have tow coverage but I'd have to arrange the tow myself. I called my local Hyundai dealer to see if I could get a loaner. No of course their two loaners were out, and all the rent-a-car places were closed by the time the tow truck even got to me. So I had to call my Wife to pick me up. Unfortunately since my blackberry is about as good at being a phone as it is at being a ping pong paddle she didn't quite catch all my directions and ended up going the wrong way on 2 different highways. When we finally got home it was far too late to enjoy the evening. Eat, Shower, Sleep.

Wednesday
With no means of transportation I worked from home on Wednesday, which wasn't the worse thing ever. Hyundai called in the afternoon, they'd fixed the problem! It was a relay that controls the power to the fuel pump. Sure... whatever. So I gave them my Credit Card info and as soon as the Wife gets home from work we drive all the way to Burlington again. I pick up my car, jump on the highway and it turns into a skateboard again. I pull it off the side of the road and it's toast... AGAIN. Call Hyundai and ask the receptionist to call a tow truck. She's stupid and says she'll look up the number and call me back. Whilst we wait in the wife's car I move all my valuables out of the car and leave a note saying it's being towed. We finally get the Tow company's name and number, I call them. We wait a little bit and the truck arrives. I give the guy the key and we head off. At least we try. The wife turns the key and the engine goes "Hun... hun... hun.........huh...." Dead battery! Excellent. So the (impatient) truck driver grabs his booster pack, we try again "hun... hun... hun..........h" nothing. Now we're freaking out. THe driver goes back to his truck, recharges his booster pack (phew) and gets us going again.

Thursday
6:30 get up and get ready to rent a car. Take all my hockey equipment, jump in the wife's car head to rent office. Website wrong, office not opened yet. Get car. Cobalt (garbage.) Drive to Burlington, Late. Car still not fixed. Mechanics perplexed. Extend rental for another day. More money. Wicked snow storm. Play hockey anyway. 2 goals (yay!) Drive back home (2 hours)

Friday
2:30AM WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH HOLY FUCKING CRAP THERE'S A BURGLAR!!! Our alarm is going off. I'm running around the house in my underwear carrying a broomhandle like an angry native. Wicked storm has blown the garage door open (left the garage open?) Close garage door, close door to house. Go to bed.
2:39AM BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP Door AJAR!!!! Someone is sneaking in to kill my family! NO IT'S THE FUCKING WIND AGAIN! Prop chair against door handle like horror movie. Put away broomstick. Go to sleep....
at 3:40 when my heartrate finally gets below 180. Late to work again. Go to pick up car, book two quick customer appointments for another early retreat. Start up car. Engine light comes on. Spend 45 minutes fuming while car back in shop. Attempt to rearrange customer meetings. Leave Burlington at 4:00 instead of 3:00. Get home. Play video games. Say goodbye to the worse week ever!

If I had a get out of jail free card for a witty post script, I'd use it now!

I need a manual for a standard

So my sister's fiancée and I headed out on Wednesday night to practice a little "Stick shift." Generally speaking I'm a pretty quick study at most things. Apparently driving a stick is not one of those things.

I did okay in the beginning in the Rim Park parking lot. I managed to get the whole 1st -> 2nd -> 3rd thing down pretty easily. With a little confidence I decided to whip around the road that surrounds the building. That was my first mistake.

Naturally, since there was absolutely no one driving around when I first started out someone would pull in behind me when I stopped at a stop sign. No biggy except the stop sign was on a slight hill. Those who drive standards already know what's coming.

Yup I stalled out the car and it started rolling backwards towards the guy behind me. In my defense I'd say personally if the person ahead of me seemed to be stalling his car and rolling towards me I'd get out of the way. Then again I'm not a fucking retard.

Anyway I just put the brakes on and subtly gestured for the guy to go around me. On try 4 I managed to get the car moving again. I got all the way out to the main road and did a U-turn. Once in 1st gear the car started bucking like a bronco but I managed to keep it from stalling yet again. The whole process bumped up my blood pressure a good few PSI I'm sure but I made it none the less. I'd like to try one more time before getting out there and test driving some Tiburons.

If you think my lack of coordination is enough to hold me back you don't know me very well. Spoon!

Congratulations on your Mid-Life Crisis but could you get the fuck out of my way?

I saw one today like I see them every day of the year. They come out a lot more frequently in the summer, drawn by the lure of warm breezes blowing through their graying hair, toupees and comb-overs. Elvis Presley pounding from the stereo, leather driving gloves wrapped at 10 and 2. One foot on the brake and one toe on the gas.

I understand as you get older your priorities shift and your pace of life slows down. You no longer have the frenzied “gotta get there” urgency of Youth. All the same if you could get your 350 Horsepower engine to get you up to the speed limit that’d be just f***ing special. I get that you’ve finally hit that stage of life when you can afford that race car you dreamed of as a teen. So you go out and you buy your Corvette, or Benz or your Porsche and drive around for everyone to see the cool new thing you bought.

Thing is, you’re no longer that spunky out-of-control teenager you're wiser, more responsible and constipated with regards to velocity.

All these things are fine. I mean sure it pains me to no end to blow by someone driving a Viper at 40 K/h in a 60 zone in my 83 HP Hyundai Accent but those are the breaks. However, if you get in the passing lane on the 401 doing 110 K/h you’re pissing me off. I got places to be, things to do and because you can afford the time to have yourself a leisurely drive during rush hour on a Monday doesn’t mean I can. If you want to drive like a myopic old woman go do it on your own damn time.

If it seems like I’m trying to cover up the fact that I’m jealous of these baby-boomers I'm not. I’ll admit that I’d love to have that much power in my control. Fortunately we’ve about 75% of our money put away for our next vehicle, which at 171HP is not going to smoke any Porsche Carerras, but it’ll definitely help me blow past all those baby boomers day-dreaming of glory days gone by. But I'll be doing it in the right lane with one hand at 12 o’clock and the other one flipping the bird.

I'll stop being so angry if you stop being so annoying

War of the Words

If the pen is mightier than the sword then my co-worker should be shitting ink like a fountain pen.

You ever meet someone who tries to, “Speak above their level.” If you’re thinking me, screw you, go read Rosie O’Donnell’s Blog! I try to drop the occasional “big word” here or there but I generally do so because it fits within the context of what I’m saying. The best is when someone you don’t like tries to drop a “big word” against you and you point out that their use of the word is completely wrong.

The first time this happened at work wasn’t really against an enemy, he’s actually a friend. Still, he was trying to interrupt my presentation so I did take some joy in it. It went a little like this:

Me: This security model gives the administrator more control but can cause end users to be locked out of areas they need. Conversely, in the second model…
Coworker: Conversely?
Me: Yes conversely.
Coworker: You mean, “Pertaining to a conversation?” That doesn’t make any sense.
Me: No I think you're thinking conversationally.
Coworker: I don’t think that’s a word.
Me: Opens up Dictionary.com to the definition of Conversely on the projector.
Coworker: Wow, do I feel stupid
Me: Oh ya!

Today I had a similar battle but with added levels of humiliation and as an added bonus it was against my least favourite co-worker:

Me: Nice Jeans, is it Casual Friday already?
Him: What are you the fashion police? Besides they’re designer jeans.
Me: Oh ya who’s the designer?
Him: Guess™
Me: Calvin Klein!
Him: Huh?
Me: *sigh* It was a play on words! Y’know, “Guess, Calvin Klein!” Work with me here
Him: Oh. Like hyperbole.
Me: Huh? No, then I’d be saying “Those are the most casual jeans that ever existed.”
Him: Crap! I mean Onomatopoeia!
Me: No, then I’d be saying “Bang!” or “Boom!”
Him: Damnit!
Me: Nice try. I think it was just a plain old pun.
Him: Right. Walks away

Game, Set, Match.

A simile is a comparison using like or as, a smiley is one of these :)

Apple flavoured Asian Nipple? I think not!

We all know I hate Mac. Wait you didn't know I hate Mac? Sorry. *Ahem* My name is Grindy McTinerton and I hate Apple. Phew! I'll get into why in another post, but suffice to say their commercials pretty much annoy the crap out of me. Then LosRicos got me all fired up for their latest ad with the promise of Asian nipple hard-ons!

Apples I don't like. Asian women... well that's another post (that I'll never do.) Anyway over on LosRicos' blog he posted an Apple Ad which featured a token cute Japanese chick. LosRicos seems to think the femme in question is not wearing a bra and is as I would put it, "Popping a nipple". See Exibit A.

Now I do enjoy a good nipple hard on but I found the placement of this one all wrong. Like I realize that there are a lot of Fashion Models out there that have the imfamous "Upturned" boob which actually places the nipple rather high but this would be some kind of record. I submit for your approval Exhibit B.

I think this is actually an optical illusion caused by a strange folding of the plaintiff's dress. I would submit that like most Asian women she is indeed wearing "The Armor" a.k.a. the dreaded padded bra.

I like to draw arrows to things in Paintbrush

Tu est une asshole

This isn't the most timely post as this event happened two weeks ago. However, my overwhelming laziness has postponed many of post and will continue to. Regardless, I HAD to post about this. Ideally I'm hoping that if you search La Marquette in google.ca you'll find a link to this blog. Odds are that it's not going to happen... but a boy has to dream.

Winterlicious is a Toronto tourism promotion where oft ridiculously overpriced restaurants offer their dinners up at prices mere mortals can afford. This creates an interesting mix of the common man in the rich man's world. In the past when my Wife and I have gone to Winter/Summerlicious it's an enjoyable time. I'm more of a $5 bowl of Pho man myself but I like to mix it up whenever possible.

This year the Wife's friends decided upon "La Maquette" in Downtown Toronto. Our hostess was friendly, there was a classical guitarist plucking away and the candlelit backdrop smacked of hoity toity class. Our douche bag prick waiter flew to our table and away in a blur that would make the Flash blush as he quickly marked us as poor trash winterlicious customers.

When the rest of our group showed up the Waiter really hit his stride when a simple request (pre-emptive I might add) for separate cheques made him pitch-a-fit indicate that there are "150 other orders that need to be rang through, I do not 'ave de time" in the weakest-assed most authentic of French accenteuse. Then with even more flair he ripped-into told one of our friends, "Do you realize every ti-muh you odor a drink-uh I 'av-uh to walk all de way down de stairsuh to getta de vine!" which surprised us because to that point we told him we weren't ordering drinks yet. After that he rolled his eyes made that disgusting eh-uh noise in the back of his throat like a little bitch consummate professional and sauntered off.

When he took supper orders it was as if he had a gun pointed at your head like a Nazi soldier asking if you are an informant for the British. You realistically had about 5 seconds to choose your appetizer, entree and dessert before he all but pissed his pants kindly prompted you to complete your order. Also being unable to pronounce my appetizer's name made me seem like white trash an inexperienced participant of the culinary arts.

The meal was "Meh" at best. The wafer of Prime Rib had me daydreaming of Golf's Steakhouse. And the cheesecake was good... but when served with asshat-french-wannabe attitude was nothing really more special than your average Williams/Kelsey's fare. At the end the real desert was to see that the pole-smoking-ass-hat waiter had already included a healthy 15% tip already in the bill. So unfortunately my go-fuck-yourself lucky penny tip could no be used.

Would I go to La Maquette again? That depends if they ever legalize assault on the basis of being to much of an asshole to not be smashed directly in the face with a centerpiece reduce their prices to a level to compensate for their horrible service. La Maquette was a horrible dining experience and it just goes to show you, that you don't always get what you pay for. But sometimes, you do get fodder for a really bitter and snarky blog post.

Is chapeau-de-derrier asshat in French?